Please Hire Chico Divine…Or Else!

Guest Blogger Chico Divine (not yours truly) continues his search for employment. Please note that the opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the positions of Rude Not To.

An Ode to Human Resources:

The days go by and still you have not offered me a job. I search your job listing and apply to your open positions, and yet, I’ve received nary a response to my impressive Times New Roman 11-point font resume template. Can’t you see I am proficient in Microsoft Office applications, including Word, Excel, and Powerpoint? Why can’t you realize that I am the excellent communicator (both verbal and written) that your seek? Now that you ask, I am indeed a self-starter…. and, yes, I am eager to be a part if a collaborative team. That advanced degree that you prefer- I have it. Those demonstratable skills that you require me to possess-  how may I demonstrate for you that I possess them? My ability to grasp new concepts is unsurpassed, and I have extensive experience is all aspects of everything related to business.

I don’t even really care that you are an Equal Opporunity Employer because I am white as the day is long and male as the ocean is wet. Since you asked, I am more than willing to attend relevant industry and professional conferences and classes, and I should also note that I am happy to perform job-associated adminstrative duties as requested.

I am enticed by your offer of competive compensation commensurate with my experience and qualifications. Moreover, the competitive benefits package you mention, including the 401(k) and dental coverage, helps me better understand that there is in fact monetary compensation being offered for this position, which is always a plus. Thanks for clarifying that you would pay me assuming I secure the job. That really addresses most of my questions.

But wait, no one has asked me anything about my ability to manage time effectively and meet stringent deadlines (I can), nor was I questioned about my problem solving ability (top notch) or my willingness to travel (>50%). Your automatically generated email response to my inquiry (classy by the way) makes it clear that if you are able to match my skills and interests with an opportunity I will be contacted for further information, and that as an added bonus, my resume will be kept on file for six months.

But what happens if my qualifications are not commensurate with the posting requirements? How is the HR Team at your company able to judge my legacy of accomplishments based on my generic cover letter of no greater than 250 words? And is your HR Team even really qualified to do anthing more than simply sit in a cubicle and continue to get fatter by the day? Most of the HR people with whom I’ve worked in my career really shouldn’t even be allowed leave the house without supervision. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game, right? Sorry- I’m going to have to hang this one on you fatty.

So let’s look at your resume and qualifications, HR person. Let’s see what qualifies you and your polyester blend TJ Maxx pant-suit to judge me. OK- I see you have been working in human resources for ten years. That just tells me you have basically given up on life. What else? Oh, you have a master’s degree in human resources. Did they not offer an advanced degree in home economics at the University of Phoenix and HR was your second choice? Or was the Post Office not hiring when you applied? I thought so. I see you have never worked a single day in my chosen field of expertise but somehow you are qualified to exclude me from consideration for a position about which you really know nothing. Interesting. Finally, what do you do when you are not busy being totally underqualified to judge me? You process benefits paperwork and keep track of how many vacation days your co-workers have used. Got it. Well, I’ll have to say, you are a shining example of incompetency, and I can totally see why your company hired you to evaluate my credentials. Keep up the great work blocking me from ever getting past your fat ass. If they hired you, I think I will ultimately come out on top.

PS- Nice Glamor Shot on your desk by the way.

What’s Pissing Me Off

By Chico Divine

Greetings Rude Not To “readers”. This is the first installment in a 250-part series about things that piss me off. Now, you may be asking yourself as you are flipping between Rude Not To and the Creampie category of Redtube (subsearching for Asian anal gapers no doubt), “Who the fuck is Chico Divine, and why do I care about anything he has to say? Aww skeet skeet skeet!” Well, I’m Chico Divine, amigo, and I think you might feel the same way I do.

I am currently unemployed. I say “currently” because sometime not so long ago, I too earned a paycheck. To all of the (4) people reading this at work, you and your bi-monthly paychecks and dental benies can go fuck yourself. You hear me? I don’t ever want to hear you bitching about your job to anyone. Just roll your crusty ass out of bed and go collect your paycheck because the alternative is waking up at 9am, deciding which of the user-generated porn sites you’re going to massage your helmet to, and then, disgusted with yourself, inevitably looking for jobs online. And this brings me to what’s pissing me off this week.

If you are currently employed, again, congrats, and have a nice fucking day. But chances are, at some point in your life, you will likely either be laid off, fired, or inevitably get sick of the bullshit at your present gig and start looking for another group of co-workers to annoy with you shitty stories. But I digress….  What pisses me off are the detailed requirements found in job descriptions posted online for pretty much any job that requires a college degree. (Note: University of Phoenix graduates need not apply.) Anyway, take a gander at any reputable job listing, and I guarantee you it will say “Must be proficient with Excel, Powerpoint, and Word”. Who the fuck doesn’t know how to use Microsoft Word??? Should these people even be allowed to leave the house? And if you are looking at a job listing online that requires a college or advanced degree, isn’t there a 99.9% chance that you know how to use Word? If being proficient with the world’s most basic software is a prerequisite for a job in finance, why not also specify that candidate must also possess “Understanding of how to tie (and untie) a pair of shoes” and “Knowledge of how to dial a cellular phone”. Hey, fucking idiotic HR person, who the fuck do you think is perusing your company’s job listing? A fucking African bushman? Or maybe you think some hobo stumbled out of his box car and into an internet café and may be inclined to apply for the open managing director position at your private equity firm, and the Microsoft Word proficiency requirement will differentiate Dan’l Dinsmore Tackadoo from the Wharton MBA who also is interested in the position. Is expertise with the most basic word processing program ever devised really a requirement for your fucking job?

And don’t get my started with Powerpoint. How is experience with layering in a sweet star wipe transition going to thin the herd? And how many Powerpoint presentations are required for this gig anyway? Hey, underachieving, slightly husky HR lady, and you typically only need one office gimp to sissy up your slides for the one original presentation you will likely prepare all year. Don’t bore me with your banality. You want to gussy up your boring job description online? Try telling ass kissers and fat chicks not to apply, but for the love of pete, knowledge, or lack thereof, of Microsoft fucking Word will likely only weed out the hobos and the clinically retarded. Leave it off the description and stop pissing me off.